well, you're in the wrong place.

A few years ago, I was in a relationship rut and it looked like the end was near. Being the stubborn person that I am, I took it upon myself to try and get us out of the boring, yet comfortable, niche we carved out for ourselves.

I was never good at being able to say flat out what was on my mind, so I tried to tell it in the form of a food story.

Let’s say you come across the best chocolate pie in the world, and you love it so much you decide to have some every day. You look forward to the time of day when you get to eat it, you enjoy the time you get to spend with it, and there’s always that little bit of sadness when the pie and you are apart.

Months go by, and you’ve been eating the same chocolate pie. You still really like the pie, but it’s the same thing each and every time. The taste just doesn’t thrill you the same way it initially did. So you decide to spice it up a little bit. Maybe one day you add a little orange zest to it. Maybe a little bit of mint. Add a dollop of whipped cream on top. Maybe change the crust to cookie crumb. Perhaps add a thin layer of peanut butter on top.

These changes aren’t meant to hide the pie, but to add a new level to your relationship. (I realize that it seems silly to have a relationship with food, but damnit, when something is this good, you do establish a bond.)

My then-boyfriend’s response: “Why are you trying to change something when it’s already good to begin with?”

I shared this story with my friend Chris, who was also in a relationship rut very similar to mine. His response: “Or maybe one day you just get fed up and you switch over to cake!” (I miss that guy.)

I laughed and said I wasn’t going to do that.

Six months or so later, my relationship was over for good. And ironically, I’ve kind of lost my taste for chocolate pie.

This is a true story.

Two weeks ago I went out on a coffee date with a guy from the internet. It went well enough to try and do a second meetup. We tried to do a dinner date the following week, but then I received a text message from the coffee date guy that read:

Hey K, my friend is taking an early SF flight tomorrow and he’s just going to crash on the futon. Let’s pospone another day soon. Back to catch some ass

I thought he was being a tad bit forward for ending like that, but a couple of seconds later, another text came with the rest of the sentence. And it wasn’t dirty in the least.

Only once in my life have I received a Valentine’s Day gift from someone to which I was not related. I feel like I’ve failed in some way being a girl during my twenty-seven years on this planet, but then again, I never was much of one to actually be in a relationship.

My one and only Valentine’s Day gift has a sad but funny twist to it, and will probably only be understood by ladies why I was disappointed, but is worth sharing. (And yes, my ex-boyfriend has been advised that I will share this story with the three number of you who read my blog.)

I had always been up front about flowers with guys. They’re gorgeous, but why would you want to dish out $80 on an arragement that slowly dies in front of you over the course of a 40-hour work week? For that amount, we could have gone out to dinner, had a few drinks, and then rounded out the evening with a kinky night in bed. If you have to get me flowers, then please consider the potted kind. Easier maintenance, cheaper, and my dog is less likely to try and ingest said plant. (Out of the 6 or so guys that I’ve dated, only one found a loophole to my logic. I’m that picky.)

Anywho! Back to the original topic.

My then-boyfriend informed me that he was getting me flowers for Valentine’s Day and that I should keep an eye out for a delivery at work. I had hinted at a few lavender bushes earlier and was excited at the possibility of having something fragrant on my desk. My boyfriend was not well versed in the functions of a long-term relationship, but he’d been trying to put in a little more effort and I had to give him credit for the idea of sending flowers.

I figured I could also do something cheesy and ordered him a mixed dozen of roses to be sent to him at work. According to him, he’d gotten a few compliments on the flowers and my romantic gesture.

In the meantime, I was waiting for my arrangement to show up. I couldn’t wait to see what he picked out. This was kind of exciting – being a girl who never received a Valentine’s Day gift from a boy, I couldn’t help but feel giddy. And I was touched to know that he was trying to get our relationship to work.

Then the arrangement arrived: white carnations with baby’s breath and some yellow daisy-like flowers serving as an accent in a glass square container.

You can’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and I was trying really hard to be upbeat about the sitaution. All girls wanted horses at some point in their life, right?

Except I never really went through the horse/pony phase. Probably because my parents let me have a dog instead.

The arrangement looked like the kind you buy at the hospital for patients or the kind ladies send to their female friends to celebrate special occasions: a non-milestone birthday, a friendship bouquet, “Congrats on your new job!” floral basket…

My flowers said this to me: “I Love You As a Friend.”

Even trying to tell myself it wasn’t that bad didn’t help. My female co-workers would pause at my desk, “ooh” over the arrangement, and then ask if my parents or my grandmother had sent it. I tried to ignore that moment when their face fell when I told them my boyfriend had sent it.

I knew it was bad when one of the Directors asked me what kind of guy my boyfriend was for sending me carnations.

When some time had passed, I asked my boyfriend what prompted him to pick out that particular arrangement. I didn’t want to crush him, but I wanted to know why that one stood out as the sign of his affection for me.

“The vase was green, and I know that’s your favorite color” is what he told me. :\

Although the floral message that came with his gift wasn’t romantic (not his fault though – I don’t think many straight men know that there are meanings behind the color and type of flower), and it didn’t really make me fall for him all over again, I do give him credit for at least trying. And even though we only lasted for another 10 months or so, I can thank him for giving me my first real Valentine’s Day gift.

Oh yeah. I also thank him for helping me confirm that Valentine’s Day is overrated, and that my favorite gifts still come from my grandma – cookies or $5 in the mail. :)

But it’s not that much different. It’s still a brunette white man. He may or may not wear glasses. I probably will never know, as we do not work in the same location.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my Corporate Crush:

I never remembered my parents’ wedding anniversary. My mom takes offense, but I always have to remind her, “I wasn’t there.” So I’m going to make up for it now.

Yesterday my parents celebrated their 35th. In light of the recent (and over-publicized) split between Jon and Kate, it seems amazing that they’ve stayed together for that long. Add the two years they dated before getting married, and it seems even more incredible.

All because a girl on vacation in Hawaii thought the Front Desk manager was cute.