Archive for the ‘ Open Letters ’ Category

Why I’m Tired Of Online Dating

Like many, many other women in Los Angeles, I do the online dating thing. And I’ll admit that I’m a veteran of ten-plus years (although I don’t really count OK Cupid – I used it for the fun quizzes during the early 2000’s). While I’ve met some incredible and not-so-incredible guys from various sites, there’s always one constant that irks me: dirty messages. Not cute dirty messages, but the straight up foul ones. For example:

When I was still in my twenties, I used to get messages like those a LOT. If it wasn’t about their penis, it was about how they *loved* Asian girls. Since I’ve entered my early thirties, the amount has decreased – not significantly, but enough where I don’t feel compelled to turn off my profile and wait for the crazy to die down.

Until I got this one in my inbox:

I’m bummed that I didn’t log in before this guy disabled his profile. I kinda wanted to see the face of the person who thought this was a great ice breaker (although knowing my luck, it was probably a faceless, shirtless pic of pecs and abs). And I think that’s what ended up bothering me. Usually when I get a crude message, there’s a picture of the person. It helps somehow to be able to see who’s being a jerk so I can neatly categorize and file info away into my “Approach With Caution” dating catalog. Without a face to the words, it’s like a black hole is calling out insults. And I can’t respond because it won’t go anywhere.

As much as I wanted to laugh it off, it left me feeling kind of…slimey. I didn’t like that a faceless stranger wanted to shove his penis inside of me and got excited thinking about it. It’s awkward enough to be asked if you’re interested in penis via text.

But when a cock knocks you down, push it away and get back up. (That’s a legit saying, right?) I started conversations with other guys and it always seemed to go south after sharing a couple of punny jokes. Twice I was asked if I would sit on faces about three lines after “how’s it going?” One asked me if I was wearing green underwear for St. Patrick’s Day and made a request that I at least wear “sexy panties” when we met for a drink. Another one (who took about three days to reply to a text) came up with this witty banter:

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Spring was definitely in the air, but instead of new grass emerging from the snowy ground, it felt like young men’s erections were pushing through the dirt.

I complained bitterly to a male friend of mine about what I’d been through for the past few weeks. He was incredibly empathetic but since he lives on the East Coast, he could only stay awake for so long. So I reached out to a male acquaintance who was having similar dating issues. This conversation did not go well at all. (Apologies for the highlighted text boxes – for some reason my phone likes to make bright color boxes to indicate quick replies.)









So…yeah. It’s annoying (to say the least) that this is the norm for ice breakers. Other blog posts, BuzzFeed articles, and Tumblr have featured similar complaints from female writers, but I haven’t seen any slack in guys being so crude in their icebreakers.

Current status: waiting for my knight with the shining Macbook Air who starts a casual conversation before leading into sex talk.

Dear Santa…

If you could find it in your heart to gift me with something incredibly superfluous this year, I’d be ever so grateful.

What am I asking for in particular? Oh, just a little ukulele that looks like a banjo…

@ mccabe's guitar shop

I’d even play all of your favorite songs if you were to put that under the tree this year.

Your consideration and time are much appreciated.

Lots o’ love,


An Open Letter to 2010

I’m not a demanding person by nature. In fact, it’s one of the qualities about me that frustrated my therapist to no end. She was worried that I was being too much of a doormat for people to walk over and was trying to get me to be a little more gutsy.

This time around I am putting my foot down and making a statement: 2010, you owe me one.

2009 (to me) was going to be year that made it up. 2008 had been filled with personal tragedy: my dog passed away from cancer, one of my co-workers was killed in a car accident, and a boy I’d known since elementary school had drowned in a freak accident. 2009 was filled with promise! It was going to be a good year. It had to be a good year since 2008 was the year of suck.

2009 not only was the year of celebrity death, but was the year of bizarre events that lean more towards being crappy than being good: $3200 sunk into my Beetle for engine issues, my car getting hit while parked on a valet level, my infamous car accident, my 2.5 week “get out” notice by my former roommate, running over a desk chair on the 101, court subpoena for my accident, getting laid off, and switching anti-depressant medication not once but three times during the course of the year.

On the plus side, at least no one close to me passed away.

It wasn’t completely a year of suck. I met many wonderful people through friends and the internet, experimented with different kinds of food and libations, discovered that I can tolerate a car trip up to Northern California by myself, developed new crushes, started this blog. For sure those were good things, but unfortunately they couldn’t outweigh the negative pieces.

I don’t think I was alone in finding 2009 to be one of the more challenging years ever experienced.

2010, I’m not asking for handouts. I’m not asking for miracles to be dropped from Heaven onto my lap. All I would like from you is the effort to make the path just a smidge smoother, like when CalTrans makes those weird cuts in the road and repaves them so cars don’t skid all over the place when we do get that tiny bit of rain.

Oh yes. If you could also be the year in which I adopt a dog, I’d be extremely grateful.

An Open Letter to Coffee

Dear coffee, I love you lots. I always forget how good you are.

To show my renewed love, I will post this picture to remind me of our long-term love affair:


An Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole,

I’m not quite sure what it is you think you’ve accomplished by breaking into my friend’s car. Although the money situation for a lot of us is not what we had hoped, I’m almost positive that a unicycle and juggling torches do not have much cash value on the black market. While those items are definitely not what you’d expect to be kept inside of a vehicle, they were not yours to take. I’m sure if you had left a message of appreciation and/or admiration tucked under the wiper blade, along with contact info, he might have considered sharing with you.

It’s people like you who give Brooklyn a bad image.



Of course, my friend is much more polite in his open letter:

Dear sir or madam:

Please stop breaking into my car. I cannot afford to continue funding your drug habit with the possessions in my automobile. While I appreciate that you only broke a window this time instead of taking items, you may recall that this is because you already took everything worth stealing last time. Unless you are affiliated with Safelite AutoGlass (or their parent company Belron US Inc.), there is absolutely no profit to be made from subsequent break-ins.

I urge you to respect the fact that I have already generously subsidized one lovely evening of hard drug use, as well as provided you hours of wholesome entertainment with my unicycle and juggling torches. As much as it pains me to be so intractably selfish, there is simply nothing more I can do for you. I ask that you leave my car unmarred next time you should happen upon it on the street. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Very truly yours,


If any of you see a unicycle and some juggling torches in Brooklyn that appear hastily set aside, please let Mike know.

And this is not sarcasm – seriously, give him back his stuff.