It’s taken me a long time to feel like coming back here. Writing on your own blog takes a lot more effort, especially since I’ve been re-Tweeting and re-blogging on Tumblr mostly. I’m able to express myself through the words, pictures, and videos/gifs of others – very much in the way I go to Hallmark to tell my parents “Happy Birthday/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day” via card. But now it’s time for me to start writing on my own to express things. I can relate, but I cannot say that it’s my own unless it’s here.
A LOT has happened since I posted here. My dad was diagnosed with Stage Four cancer in his throat. Despite the fact that he smoked for thirty years, it wasn’t tobacco that was to blame – his cancer was from Human Papillomavirus. My dad was one of the tiny percentage in men who contracted the virus and, unfortunately, it became malignant. We were lucky that it was only on one of his tonsils and that we had caught it early enough to have a pretty solid survival rate. It was during this time that I realized cancer was not the worst of the disease – the treatment and recovery are. My dad lost his salivary glands, making it extremely painful to swallow; he had to have a feeding tube inserted into his stomach. Shortly after that, he spent ten days in the hospital from the side effects of the chemo/radiation.
I haven’t really thought about my parents’ mortality, but seeing my dad in the hospital made me realize that we all do come to an end. His breathing was so shallow that I thought he died more than a few times. Simple tasks he used to be able to do – like taking the lid off my mom’s sewing kit – were a challenge now. He lost his voice and tried to write down things he wanted to say. The only thing that he managed to keep was his humor:
Somehow he managed to hang in there and come home in relatively good spirits. We all got used to the nocturnal sound of his stomach pump hissing and clicking in the middle of the night for his overnight “feeding.” He started walking on his own again (with either my mom or me a few steps behind, just in case) and he could say three-word sentences. It felt like things were starting to turn around and the year wouldn’t be fully made of suck.
In Asian cultures, four is a bad-luck number. I guess 2014 wanted to pull out all the stops in that department because my grandmother took a nasty fall and had to be hospitalized. It didn’t seem good in the beginning and for a second I thought she was going to die the next day. She managed to hang in there for a couple of weeks and even had the energy to ask me (in Japanese) if I was getting married soon. I knew she’d never be able to get out of bed again, but she had surpassed the doctors’ expectations and was moved over to a rehab center. Two days later, she passed away while two of her children were visiting her.
Her death was a blow to me. No one thought she would go so quickly. The family knew that she wouldn’t be the same as she was, but we all thought that she’d at least be able to go home one day. I think that’s why it hurt more than when my grandfather passed away – he’d been sick for a while, and we all knew it was a matter of time. My grandmother had been doing much better than anyone had anticipated when it came to an end.
The other side of her death meant that a large chunk of our traditions came to an end. It was my grandmother who dressed me in my yukata, or summer kimono. It was my grandmother who brought us together for a traditional Japanese New Year. It was my grandmother who, as she got older, spoke less and less English but made me keep up at least my comprehension of Japanese. My uncle and I scrambled to figure out how to recreate some of her cooking. Some things were written down (like her sushi rice recipe), but a lot of it wasn’t. Her everyday dishes were all from memory and are typical of Japanese-American homes. (I’ve shared menus with other JA’s and our grandmas more or less make the same thing in pretty much the same way.) It’s kind of daunting to know that all of the traditions you were raised with will die unless someone steps in. I’ve been cooking a little more often simply because I’m scared I’ll forget how she seasoned things.
It’s 2015 and it’s almost over. I haven’t felt like sharing much of this because I’m just starting to get back into being “social.” This means that I’m getting an urge to start interacting with people outside of my bubble in baby steps – mostly through social media, texting, and emails. I’m not 100% ready for phone calls or seeing people for coffee. I got overly ambitious at the beginning of the year and thought I should try dating – it ended with hilariously horrible results.
The therapist I was seeing transferred to another facility, so I started sessions with a new one around May. It’s always a transition when you get a new therapist, but this one has gone as smoothly as I could have hoped. Apparently I’ve made some progress since we first started, but I have to remind myself that it’s all about baby steps.
And that’s about it for now. As much as I want to look towards the future and make plans, I’m taking things day by day.