There Is No Way Paris Hilton Outranks Me

Back when I was still employed, it was one of my duties to go through the pile of mail that arrived in the office. It was also one of my duties to open strange packages (although to me that seems kind of ass-backwards. I mean, if there was anthrax or a bomb and I died, my bosses would have been screwed because I know where the files and office supplies are and they don’t).

For some reason, our mailroom clerk would forward everything addressed to Paris Hilton to my office.


This was not the first piece of mail we received for Miss Hilton. This was, however, the first time I’d ever seen her with the title of “Lady”.

Here’s a closer look at the addressee’s info:

All I could think of when I saw this was, “Since when did she receive a knighthood?”

True, I do not have her potential wealth. I refrain from camcorders during intimate moments with men. I’m not blond, I’m not skinny, and am only very distantly related to a large company (which produces alcohol, something Paris might envy me for if she knew). But I sure as hell know that she cannot outrank me with that title.

If this did prove to be true, then I’d have to go ahead with my half-hearted idea of obtaining Japanese citizenship.

Parting words: I did not open up this envelope. The contents sounded crunchy, and may have been food items, drugs, or cheap anthrax. Not worth dying for at work.

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