I’m not quite sure what it is you think you’ve accomplished by breaking into my friend’s car. Although the money situation for a lot of us is not what we had hoped, I’m almost positive that a unicycle and juggling torches do not have much cash value on the black market. While those items are definitely not what you’d expect to be kept inside of a vehicle, they were not yours to take. I’m sure if you had left a message of appreciation and/or admiration tucked under the wiper blade, along with contact info, he might have considered sharing with you.
It’s people like you who give Brooklyn a bad image.
Of course, my friend is much more polite in his open letter:
Dear sir or madam:
Please stop breaking into my car. I cannot afford to continue funding your drug habit with the possessions in my automobile. While I appreciate that you only broke a window this time instead of taking items, you may recall that this is because you already took everything worth stealing last time. Unless you are affiliated with Safelite AutoGlass (or their parent company Belron US Inc.), there is absolutely no profit to be made from subsequent break-ins.
I urge you to respect the fact that I have already generously subsidized one lovely evening of hard drug use, as well as provided you hours of wholesome entertainment with my unicycle and juggling torches. As much as it pains me to be so intractably selfish, there is simply nothing more I can do for you. I ask that you leave my car unmarred next time you should happen upon it on the street. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
Very truly yours,
If any of you see a unicycle and some juggling torches in Brooklyn that appear hastily set aside, please let Mike know.
And this is not sarcasm – seriously, give him back his stuff.