Archive for October, 2009

An Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Asshole,

I’m not quite sure what it is you think you’ve accomplished by breaking into my friend’s car. Although the money situation for a lot of us is not what we had hoped, I’m almost positive that a unicycle and juggling torches do not have much cash value on the black market. While those items are definitely not what you’d expect to be kept inside of a vehicle, they were not yours to take. I’m sure if you had left a message of appreciation and/or admiration tucked under the wiper blade, along with contact info, he might have considered sharing with you.

It’s people like you who give Brooklyn a bad image.



Of course, my friend is much more polite in his open letter:

Dear sir or madam:

Please stop breaking into my car. I cannot afford to continue funding your drug habit with the possessions in my automobile. While I appreciate that you only broke a window this time instead of taking items, you may recall that this is because you already took everything worth stealing last time. Unless you are affiliated with Safelite AutoGlass (or their parent company Belron US Inc.), there is absolutely no profit to be made from subsequent break-ins.

I urge you to respect the fact that I have already generously subsidized one lovely evening of hard drug use, as well as provided you hours of wholesome entertainment with my unicycle and juggling torches. As much as it pains me to be so intractably selfish, there is simply nothing more I can do for you. I ask that you leave my car unmarred next time you should happen upon it on the street. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.

Very truly yours,


If any of you see a unicycle and some juggling torches in Brooklyn that appear hastily set aside, please let Mike know.

And this is not sarcasm – seriously, give him back his stuff.

Can Of Worms Opened

On Twitter, I opened my mouth typed out that I needed some dating advice: Potential guy has AWFUL taste in literature (i.e. Koontz, King, and Grisham). Can I learn to love that?

Who knew this would open up a can of nightcrawlers that Dr. Zoidberg was waiting to devour?

Quite a few of you responded with words along the lines of, “What’s wrong with Koontz and King?”

That came after I received the response, “At least he reads.”

I will admit, I am a reading snob. Having been an avid reader since kindergarten (I was always one of the top readers in the class), I find it hard to believe that someone must be convinced to read. And to make it worse, I have grown picky about the authors I read: Miller, Nin, Murakami, Fitzgerald, Vonegut, Tanizaki, and Burroughs to name a few.

(The Anti-Reading Protest I participated in was simply for fun. We were bored and I have some very eccentric friends.)

I have to admit, my standards have gotten even higher as of late: many of my friends are excellent writers and therefore add to my prejudice. My skills next to theirs would be similar comparing The New York Times to

I Gots Me Some Variety (Finally!)

But it’s not that much different. It’s still a brunette white man. He may or may not wear glasses. I probably will never know, as we do not work in the same location.

Ladies and Gentlemen, my Corporate Crush:


The first image sent out when he joined the company.


The most recent image from a press release.

Finally, someone in Corporate America who puts butterflies in my stomach.

¿habla inglés?

No sé.

I know a lot of the employees at my job are primarily Spanish speakers, but this sign cracks me up:

bending machine

Thanks to Oshan from IT for the pic!

Happy Birthday!

Or, as my grandma would say, “Hoppy Birsday!”

It’s not as epic as Be The Boy’s post, but that’s not to say I don’t have a soft spot for her. Just not in that way.

I met the Slackmistress back in March of 2009. We were following each other on Twitter by the next day. Within months I was watching Be the Marriage and making the late night run to 8 oz. for tuna melts and cocktails.

Naturally I was surprised and touched when I got invited to her birthday party last year.


My head is right at boob level. Jealous?

Spending time with Nina is always a delightful experience. I couldn’t have asked for a better internet friend.

Just In Case…

It makes me smile whenever this flashes on my Flickr screen:


You know, in case I forget how to say hello. (My Flickr crush once told me that if I had any problems with the site to let him know. I told him I had a problem with the random greetings, because they say I can greet people in [insert foreign language], but that’s only through chatting. I can’t actually pronounce the greeting.)

By the way, I’m still begging for donations. Details can be found here.

Two Causes At Once?! No One Can Live At That Pace!

Hi there. It’s me again, asking you for money.

It’s not money for my own personal spending. I’m asking for you to support me this year for AIDS Walk LA. It’s that time of year where the City of Los Angeles shuts down many of the major streets where a good number of you live so thousands of people can walk for a good cause. B-list (and lower) celebs come out to cheer on the masses early in the morning. Free items are passed out during the walk, and at the end you get a certificate that you can stick on your wall.

My original post promised to advertise your website if you were so inclined to drop a few dollars my way. No one responded to that, so I’m going to try another method.

The amazing Dr. Neal Baer was a guest on LA Gen X a couple of weeks ago and literally blew my mind away. Not only does he work on Law and Order: SVU, but he’s also a practicing pediatrician and is working on a documentary project called Home Is Where The Heart Is. Straight from the website (because it’s a better quote than I could come up with): “African women and kids affected by AIDS share their lives.”

So this is my enticing statement to you: if you will sponsor me for AIDS walk, I will donate 50% of the funds to the The House Is Small website. You can either donate here:

Click Here to Donate

Or donate here:

The PayPal site will probably be easier, as it doesn’t require a minimum donation of $25. Whatever you can spare is totally fine and very much appreciated!

I’m not walking because my company is one of the major sponsors of AIDS Walk LA. I’m walking because I truly have faith in the fight against AIDS. And now I’m walking because there are others outside of LA who need help as well.